Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
