watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize