I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
