Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
