I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
