I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
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