just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
