Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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