WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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