Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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