Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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