I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
