I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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