my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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