One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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