Don't make out with my wife yet
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Randomize
