You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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