Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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