after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
