i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
