3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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