My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
