why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
