I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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