It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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