4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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