Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
