you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
