You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
