you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
