I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
