My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
