Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize