I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
