I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
