I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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