god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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