I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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