So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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