...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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