The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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