batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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