im drinking this country out of the recession.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
