Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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