How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
