dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
