please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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