I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
