So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
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