I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
