Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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