The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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