Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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