sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Randomize
