dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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