It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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