I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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