she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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