Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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