Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
