apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
