theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
