i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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