my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
