wake up i wanna do it froggy style
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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