I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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