Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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