You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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