I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
barbara walters just said penis...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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